[all energy is borrowed, and someday we must give it back]

“and when you look up to the sky,
see those stars turn into eyes,
it’s not gases and light,
but watchful souls in the night.”
- Nicole Y. (me)

everyday without my Mom is a challenge. people keep saying “it’ll get easier”. honestly, i just don’t see that happening. i have brilliant moments and appreciate life SO MUCH, but i miss my Mom terribly. moments of immense joy turn to longing and sadness in microseconds. trips to the grocery store cut short due to tears, runs interrupted by a flood of emotion. every day that passes is one day longer than i’ve ever gone without hearing her voice. i can barely maintain my  composure while typing this, and with each passing day it’s gotten more difficult to handle. i miss her more, and more, and more. i will never understand why she was taken, and feel it’s impossible to reconcile the fact that we were forced to watch her die. i am only 25 years old and i have to live the rest of my life without my Mom. i’m getting married in august and she won’t be there. my kids will never get to meet her. she wanted to be here for those things. she wanted to be here for me! i guess right now i feel like i just can’t do this anymore. maybe tomorrow i’ll wake up and feel differently. but i just don’t think so. i’m sure eventaully i’ll be back but for now, i’m just trying to get through the days and maintain my spirit. my Mom lived her life with such abandon, such hope, promise, and energy. i want to do the same. i find at times i get sucked into this technological world and it can be very consuming. so what i think i’ll do is either A). switch this blog over to a photo blog in a few days or B). create a photo blog linked to this one and put this blog on hiatus or C). disappear from the blogosphere completely. my Mom was so proud of my photographic achievements (i’ve done art openings in Vegas, sold several pieces, hosted images at other galleries) and I want to get back to expressing myself in an artistic way. of course i’ll continue running, and racing, and eating. my personal training certification is coming along wonderfully and i’ll be taking my test in either february or march. life will go on, the world will keep spinning, with or without my updates.

catch you all of the flip side.

[Special Delivery!]

Today the mail man brought me the best delivery of all, homemade granola!!!

My buddy and apparent granola wizard, Meggie, sent me homemade apple-cinnamon granola! She’s such a sweetheart and since she’s running the Boston Marathon she signed up to collect donations for Voices Against Brain Cancer. One of her close friends fathers was recently diagnosed with Glioblastoma, and she’s running the race in support of him and his family. You can read all about her chosen charity, her reason for supporting them, and how you can donate as well! Donate $50.00 or more and you’ll get some homemade granola delivered to your door as well! Please support Meggie in her efforts!

http://www.firstgiving.com/meggieferan

:) She's so sweet!!

So pretty, and yummy!!!

So pretty, and YUMMY!

MMmmmm.. Meggie's granola, plain greek yogurt, and agave nectar!

Again, the website is: http://www.firstgiving.com/meggieferan

Thanks Meggie, it’s delish!!!

[Why do you?]

Behind every shoe laced up or trail shredded is a unique reason for doing so. Some run to lose weight, some run to escape, some to liven, and some to let go. I believe that those who find true joy in running do it not merely for marathon training or vanity reasons, but for reasons of the soul.

I first laced up for my Mom. For her struggle, for her fight, I ran. It made her smile. It showed her in a physical and measurable way, just how much I loved her. I ran because she couldn’t, and because she wanted so badly just to be able to walk around the block. Every time I run, I think of her.

I may not log the most miles in a week, or always keep a good pace, but I truly love running. I feel strange not lacing up my shoes for a day. My running leggings in all their skin-tight glory are the outfit I’m most confident in. I anticipate my run all day; I don’t dread it. It’s free time, me time. I get inside my head and out all at once. Sometimes mid-run, I cry. Before my Mom died I ran for her, now I run with her. I feel her in the warmth of the sun, and look to her for strength when I’m tired and want to stop. I miss everything about her; running makes me feel close to her again.

For me this is a way of life not a diet plan. My body responds to running, my soul thrives because of it. It’s my solace in this world of chaos, my hope during a time of great loss.

So if you see a 20-something girl out there on the path, trotting along with a smile on her face and her eyes closed to the sky – it’s probably me out there, talking to my Mom, enjoying every single step.

Why do you run? Jog? Walk? Bike? Swim? Dance?

All geared up, in the car riding to my favorite running spot.

My Mom & aunt, July 4t, 2009.

My Mom & I, Thanksgiving 2009.

[Update to pages]

Happy Monday!

So I was actually pretty productive this morning and over the weekend. I worked out toning routines for my chest/back, arms (biceps, triceps, forearm extensors & flexors), and core! Then today I put together my training schedule for toning, updated my running schedule and posted all of this to it’s own new page ‘Training‘. I also cleared out the races page, listing my upcoming events. I’ll do a more extensive update of ‘Races‘ in the next few days.

My day got out to a super late start (11am), but I didn’t fall asleep until around 2:30am. Since my Mom’s death I’ve had a terrible time sleeping and it’s definitely affected my ability to wake up early. I’m much more of a late-in-the-day runner anyway but I would like to try and get used to running in the AM. It’s just a little difficult right now but never the less, it makes me feel bad that I can’t get this AM running thang going. There are nights I’ll run at 11pm, it’s a little insane. I’ll just keep trying though.

Check out the new page, leave comments, or smilie faces!
Happy running!

[Friday Photo Update]

Hi blog-reading buddies!
Happy Friday!! I’m being totally lame and staying in tonight, anyone want to come play Wii?!?!!? :) Here is a little photo update from the past week. Have a super rad weekend! J and I are going to do some indoor rock climbing tomorrow @ Aiguille so check back for a weekend update!

Thursday the UPS guy brought me a VFF present!

I was so excited! Isn’t the box pretty!! Haha!

**angels singing** Aren’t the beautiful!?
Yummy yummy!
Close-Up

The two pictures above are of my yummy snack tonight! 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt, 1 tbsp agave nectar, and some pom arils!

:)

[JM 7 Day Detox Review]

Finally, here is my review of the Jillian Michael’s 7-Day Detox program.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this product you can go HERE to my original post about it. In that post I describe in detail each ingredient and it’s intended purpose.

As I’ve said before, you basically are just taking pills. There are no special instructions, or lists of forbidden foods – which I liked. The whole reason I chose to do this particular detox was because of it’s simplicity. For 7 days you take 2 ‘detox’ pills (one in the morning and one in early evening) and then for the 7 days following that, you take one probiotic replacer pill – then you’re done! Simple!

Why I chose to detox was basically because of the holidays, too much drinking and eating, and because of stress and lack of exercise while in Ohio with my Mom (for 4 weeks). I was trying desperately to get back to running and eating clean, but was really struggling (mentally and physically). While browsing shelves @Target I found Jillian’s Detox product and decided to give it a go.

When I started my stomach was uber bloated and I felt so gross, and the pills really did help with that. Day 1 was pretty uneventful, but from day 2 – 7, my system was flushing like a champ! It really was great. I felt lighter, cleaner, and less toxic! I took my first pill every morning with breakfast, and the last pill every evening (around 7pm) with either dinner or a snack.

The best thing about this product is that neither Jerod or myself experienced any stomach cramping or discomfort whatsoever! It was brilliant! I normally have some difficulty going to the bathroom (sorry if that TMI, but it’s relevant) if I’m not eating my super green way consistently (which I hadn’t been in Ohio), but while on the detox I went several times a day with ease. Besides no cramping or discomfort, we never got the immediate urge or need to run to the bathroom. It wasn’t like that, it was just normal, no rush to try and make it in time (know what I mean?).

I highly recommend this product for anyone looking to safely and NATURALLY detox their system, I really do. If it doesn’t really do much physically (which by my measurements you’ll see it does), it really does help mentally. The physical bloating and excess inches in my lower abdomen that I lost were great, but the mental benefit definitely outweighed that. This detox helped get me back on track because mentally I felt cleansed. I began eating better and running again. Although, I don’t feel my results were from getting back to my normal clean living because we spent a few days of the detox at my Dad’s (it was NYE) and we ate like whoa. Her product says nothing about drinking while doing the detox, I only drank once (it was NYE) and I think it’s best to cut out the drinking if you’re trying to detox.

Before ~~ After [Measurements]
Weight: 145.0 ~~ 142.5
Naval:  34 inch ~~ 33 inch
Lower Abdomen: 37.5 inch ~~ 36.3 inch
Hips, biggest part of: 39 inch ~~ 38.8 inch

I was very thorough with my measurements and very specific with their location so that everyone is certain of the numbers and exactly where on my body I measured. When someone just posts the measurement of their ‘waist’ I get confused – wondering, well which waist? where exactly? So that’s why I am so specific about the location the measurement came from! :)

I hope my long awaited review helps! If you have any questions please either email me or comment!

~Nicole~